*The following part of this saga is to show the progression of his behavior and how he changed and the increase in chemical and alcohol abuse/ use.  This is no way trying to paint a picture of  this person.  This person was not his himself as the mental health went untreated and the self medicating increased.

FLORIDA

This was the first time he had lived away from home. Now over 2,000 miles away, life was going to be somewhat different for him.  This was the first time he was going to live with someone besides his family.  It was Florida.  A complete culture shock to anyone from the beautiful wild west.

I introduced him to my friends. There were a couple that he really took to.  One in particular that he became really close to.  Some he saw through, quicker than I had, and we distanced ourselves from them.  Which was good for me.  I had gained toxic people in my life.  I had some naivety…ok, I had a lot when I was in my teens and early 20s…occasionally surfacing as an adult in my  late 20s and growing out of it as I entered into my 30s. Looking back, it turned in to this “hopeless romantic” thing, which still had some naïve tendencies and innocence attached to it.

The doors of pure freedom had opened.  He didn’t have his parents shadowing him. He was on the other side of the country.  He partied. I did too, but not as hard. There were nights he went out, and stayed out all night with my friend and his buddies.  There were many broken plans between us.  But at that moment in time, I let it be.  I trusted him. I allowed him to be young and free. I didn’t want to take that part away from him.  I had it suspended from me, because of my relationship at that age.  I didn’t want him to resent me for taking that away, if we were going to have a future together.

During our time in FLA, there were so many events that just seemed entertaining and crazy, but now (hindsight sucks) looking back they were “Red Flags”.  Like the one time, my cousin (who also resided in Florida, and much older than I) invited us to go and visit my favorite uncle (my dad’s brother) in Deland, FL.  Basically a day trip.  He opted to go play golf in St Pete.  Mind you we lived in Palm Harbor ( with traffic at least an hour 45-60 min drive…depending how deep in St Pete you were going. Maybe longer. SO easy to get lost down there too).  I went with my cousin and had such a great visit.  It would also be the last visit I would have with my uncle, because within the next year or so he passed.  Cowboy never got a chance to meet him.  But when I got home, my phone kept ringing off the hook. My cowboy was lost in St Pete.  Trying to call for directions home. I couldn’t understand him.  He was pretty intoxicated.  Somehow, I managed to get him home.  When he got out of the car he looked like a completely different person.  This blank drunk stare.  I had never seen that look before.  He proceeded to strip down to his bare ass and run through our apartment parking lot and up to our 3rd floor apartment.  I walked through the parking lot picking up his clothes.  When I reached  our door, he was sitting outside crossed legged asking me where I had been.  I opened the door. He walked in and passed out immediately on the couch.  The next morning he had no recollection of how he got home. Only remembering he was lost in St Pete.

One night he went out with friends.  He got pretty drunk.  We got home, and he kept trying to leave and  go back out.  This was the first time he got over powering. Pushing me out of the way, trying to get to the door.  Luckily I had hid  the keys and eventually he gave up…passed out in our recliner…..Or the one night I woke up to him in the bathtub, passed out,  water running and overflowing all through the bathroom and into the area between the bedroom and dining room…in our 3rd floor apartment. With blessings, it never made it through the ceiling to the apartment under us.  But the bathtub thing  was this habit he had developed and only did it when he was wrecked…After the night of over powering me, it started to occur more often.  But only when he was under the influence.  Also during that time, I found coke in his pocket of his shorts.  When addressed, it was a “one time thing”.  Finding out down the line, it was a secret that happened “regularly”, when I wasn’t out with him.

There was  a time I had a work function.  My entire staff was there, he continued to drink and become extremely intoxicated…some thought it was funny. That night he was talking about home and shouting about the University of WY.  He carried on and made me extremely embarrassed and  I asked friends of ours to drive him home.  Our one friend was a previous addict and recovering.  With understanding he obliged and drove him home that night.  I left early.  He was dubbed “Wyoming” by my staff that night.

He did hate his real name.  His birth first name was Kelsey. His middle name was Tyler.  The only other Kelsey I had ever heard of at the time was , Kelsey Grammer.  He introduced himself to everyone in Florida as Tyler.  I still called him Kelsey or Kels.  His family called him Kelsey.  From the arrival into Florida, besides work, his name was Tyler.

Of course there were more incidents during our time in Florida. Lots, with some not worth mentioning.  Just memories in my mind to shuffle through and make sense of, now.  It wasn’t until I lived with him that I really discovered his angry streak/ short fuse.  When still in WY, there would be a commit thrown out every once in a while about his temper….but the bar fights, to me were just stupid drunk things, that I saw all the time at the bars there. Not even involving him.  Apparently I hadn’t witnessed the best of it. When I started to see the short fuse, he referred to inheriting it from his father.  But here’s the thing, he acknowledged it. If you know you have a short fuse, work on it. Don’t give into it as an excuse…but that’s my train of thought. Of which I voiced to him several times.  It would cause him to pout…at what time I’d tell him to stop feeling sorry for himself…that always made him laugh.

The time came where he and I were ready to leave Florida, we decided to get traveling assignments together and go back out west…So we did.  We landed a gig in California.  On to the next adventure we went.

CALIFORNIA

So we met in January of 2003.  We were  officially together from February 2003.  Made it to Florida in July 2003. We made our way out to California in  April 2005.  Before we had left Florida, at the strike of midnight leading into the new year 2005, Kels proposed to me.  “I love you. I want to have little Kelseys and Caris running around. Will you marry me?”  Well of course I said yes.  Dah.  We planned to marry in June 2006.  I wanted to make sure it was what he really wanted, since I was older.

During our stay in California our work schedules couldn’t be anymore opposite. We  would only have a few days a month to get to do stuff together. Which left a lot of time for him to “get into trouble”.  While I was at work, he was free to do whatever.  I always worried about him.  By the time he had made it to CA, he had already  bought a crouch rocket in Florida and brought it to CA with us…..(cue the foreshadowing here)….

We met some really great people in CA.  We worked with them and spent time outside of work with them.  They were kind to us.  Cowboy made connections everywhere he went.  He would carry on a conversations with just about anyone.  But there was a downside to that…meeting the wrong people happened on occasion.  Not that they were bad people, but made bad decisions and got involved in things that brought bad influences.  If you get what I’m saying.

He found people, randomly, by riding his bike.  He would connect, and find people to go riding with.  When I would work 3rd shift, he’d be out night riding with other riders.  A few times, on day trips, he would ride up on  biker members, and wheelie past, getting a thumbs up and approvals.  He saw so much of CA without me.  He couldn’t stay still….If he wasn’t riding he’d go out, drink (as far as I knew that was it, maybe smoke a little pot) and get caught up in the clubs.  Lost his phone one night, imagine the conversations I had with the bitches on the other end….which was infuriating.  I knew what is was like losing contact with him. What happens if something happened to him? Worry, worry ,worry.

Oh, the one time he went out to lunch by himself and drank, someone cut him off and he hit their rear fender.  The person jumped out and created a scene.  The police showed up.  The car driver was at fault, but still being in a parking lot, no tickets were issued or police report created.  However days later we started to get harassing  phone calls to pay for the damages to the car driver’s car.  When I intercepted the phone calls and told them to contact my lawyer, because there was no case they would have someone else from their insurance call.  By chance, the insurance ” found out” about his previous DUI in WY and called one day while I was at work, bullying him to pay them $1600.00.  Waving the DUI flag, because the driver had been having lunch at the same place and saw him drinking….so was the driver…..he panicked and gave in.  He didn’t want to go through all that again.  When I got home you would have thought his family had been brutally murdered and everything he knew was lost…. he paid them $1600.00 from his bank account directly…What??? yes.  He was so depressed.  The first episode, of many.  So dramatic. Kinda scary. But I loved him.  We will work through it.  Not knowing that it would become a regular thing in the future.  Had no idea what was coming.  NO IDEA.

 

~ Cari   10/07/2019

OHIO

Once upon a time there was a girl that was super independent, even as a child (per her mother….and all moms over exaggerate, at some point).  She got married at a somewhat early age, to her first real boyfriend.  Yes, never dated or had a steady boyfriend in high school.  She was 21 when she became involved with him and by 26 she married him…for all the wrong reasons.  He wasn’t the nicest guy, lots of people didn’t care for him.  That marriage was short lived (literally just a few months).  She woke up one day and said, “Oh my god. I’m miserable.  This is stupid. I’m done.”   And that very morning, she got out of bed, packed what she thought was important, and left.  Moved back with her parents.   Her parents were more relieved than she was!  However, there had been some damage that occurred during that wasted time…(body image, trust, the acts of “fixing” things to make another happy…for a start).  That was when she decided to spread her wings and leave her home town, and see what else was out there…she was 27 when she left.

He was a jerk, and now she looks back at how immature he was.  What a bad influence. He was a waste of time, but a great lesson….although, she still made “not the greatest” choices for relationship mates following this first major ordeal.

 

FLORIDA

Her second boyfriend, was also a jerk.  He just generally thought he was better than EVVVVERRRRYYYYBODDDDDY. Yep. EVERYBODY.  Looking back, he had such a big fat chip on his shoulder.  Condescending shit.  So unhappy, probably from some other struggle from within.  Yeah, pretty sure she felt bad for him…that’s why she stuck with him on and off, for like 2 years…Once away from him, she was much happier and on her way to finding herself again.  No more having someone talk down to you because they were unhappy about themselves….so his actions were a reflection of his internal struggles. Yet, she knew his struggle.  She wonders today if he ever came to terms with it…choosing the lifestyle that he longed for, without judgment. Making himself happy, not caring what others thought.

 

WILD WEST

So this is a cool part.  She took a work traveling assignment to the Great and Wonderful West!!!!  She ended up in the beautiful wild west, Wyoming.  Breath taking. The open spaces and the rolling hills and fields. The mountains, oh the amazing Rocky Mountains.  The first time she had ever been that far west in her entire life.

As she settled into her assignment, she met so many kind people.  But no one prepared her for that moment she saw him…as they crossed paths in the department, their eyes met. She melted. She felt that thing. It struck warmth in her heart and flushed her cheeks. It made her fingers go numb, and hard to walk (because she wasn’t watching where she was going and ran into a pillar in the middle of the department…she couldn’t look away).  However,  kinda knowing they connected,  it wasn’t but a month later before he finally asked her out.  They were together from that point on. They were destined to spend the rest of their lives together…so she thought.

Getting to know him, she knew he was a little on the wild side. Well, being a cowboy and all…growing up that way was so amazing and it made him even more attractive to her.  He truly was the definition of a cowboy!  He could rope and ride.  Hunting  and fishing was embedded in him, like no other.  He was super athletic and everything he did , every sport he played, he mastered. Without effort.  He was so handsome and so charismatic. Oh, he was all mine.

Oh yeah, the wild part was his party habits.  Lots of drinking. Bar fights. Occasionally, he experimented with other recreational drugs….but not an addiction.  I chalked it up as 20’s party stage…like, who didn’t?  Just young and free.  Yes, I was 8 years his elder.  But it didn’t matter to either of us.  I was just turning 31, and he was turning 23.  Mind you, I drank but by this time in my life, it wasn’t as heavy or often.  I wasn’t going to hold him back from being his age. He still had a lot of life to experience.  Live away form what he knew in  23 years.  Spread his wings and fly.

When my assignment was up, he opted to move back to Florida with me.  That was my home at the time.  So, we packed up my Jeep and we packed up his car and he followed me back to FLA…..

 

~Cari  9/10/2019

 

 

 

 

It has been 2 years, 8 month and 9 days since my husband lost his battle with his mind. I could see him falling off this cliff, as if he was falling backwards.  Staring into my eyes, farther and farther away he fell.  I tried to reach for him, but he didn’t want to grab my hand.  He just looked at me, as he kept falling.  Like he didn’t want help, that he was going to take the path paved by shame and loathing. It was easier.  The stress and secrets he kept never to be fully divulged.  Better left unsaid.  Self medicating.  Always going.  Kept his mind busy.  No rest.

2 Days ago I attended his close friend’s funeral.  Suffering from depression with an addiction, he accidently overdosed.  No, a real accidental overdose.  Through investigation when he was found, it was an accidental overdose.

Yes, we had 2 very beautiful children together.  A boy and a girl.  Such amazing gifts. However, they could not keep him from falling either.  See our mind’s health is just as important as our physical health.  There is no question.  But not everyone knows it’s ok to not be ok.  The embarrassment and shame that goes with a mental health status, just shouldn’t be.  For we are all little broken.  Broken pieces are what makes us human. There is no perfection to life.  There is no handbook for life.  It’s a process that is meant for us to live and learn.  No one person’s story is the same.  Life is a collaboration of different stories and story tellers.  This allows us to see all.  The opportunity to learn.

This is the beginning of stories from my life.  My story telling.  My thoughts to share, because I know I’m not alone.  Stories may have similarities, but they all end differently.

There is no handbook for this life. Create it as you go.

 

~Cari  9/9/2019

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